Are You Ready to Mock Hard Rock Nightmare?

Hard Rock Nightmare strikes a perfect chord for any horror movie marathon. Particularly those planning a few sarcastic slam dunks. It teases all the excess other slasher flicks revel in, while containing enough cheese to start a fondue party. Hard Rock Nightmare ideally sets the mood for an evening of beer, pizza, and horror hilarity. That’s not to say it’s intentionally comedic, but as is the case with so much 80s gold, it is what it never intended to be.

Unsettling sensations begin when folks realize they meant to press play for Rock ‘N’ Roll Nightmare. That Canadian gem starring Jon Mikl Thor is a completely different movie which just happens to have a similar plot. After all, both films are about heavy metal bands going out to remote locations to finish musical MacGuffins. Anyone alleging Hard Rock Nightmare is a rip-off might point to the original working title Werewolves, Sex and Rock ‘N’ Roll, but they’re forgetting this movie isn’t all supernatural which makes them technically different.

Now, numerous spoilers ahead for a 35-year-old movie.

Hard Rock Nightmare opens with an old man gleefully terrorizing his grandchild. He tells the little boy he’s so many different things grandpa needs to be checked for dementia, but most importantly, he’s a fiendish bloodsucker who will kill the kid. Now, I’m fully in support of frightening small children. However, Hard Rock Nightmare smartly sets this up as a quasi-PSA.

Still chuckling from the gaping fear he’s induced, Peepaw stretches out for a snooze only to end up taking a dirt nap forever. Turns out the kid in question is braver than anyone expected, got a stake, and murdered his grandfather for the right reason. What any decent person would do when confronted with a bloodthirsty vampire-werewolf-whatever.

Flash forward to the late 1980s where viewers encounter aspiring heavy metal musicians the Bad Boys practicing in a garage. They’re the kind of band one expects to see at the county fair, begging for change while wondering loud and drunk why they didn’t get booked to perform. As they rock, a smattering of groupies and girlfriends are in attendance. Playing their tune “Hard Rock Nightmare”, the Bad Boys unwittingly foretell of an ominous future. Unfortunately, someone in the neighborhood is so bothered by the band’s mediocrity that the cops are called.

Unfairly hassled by the fuzz, the Bad Boys quickly agree to be quiet. However, they need somewhere to practice. There’s an important performance looming, one that, if all goes well, will launch their career. Although certainly no Cry Wolf, or Giuffria, the Bad Boys are supposedly a band on the rise. And suspension of disbelief makes it okay to believe that. These young fellows are destined to be the next heavy metal icons, perhaps even opening for Icon, Hurricane, or any of the other generic 80s glam metal they mimic.

Fortunately, lead singer Jim, played by Martin Hansen, has a solution. He conveniently owns a cabin in the woods, left to him by his grandmother. Apparently, she didn’t mind him slamming a stake through her husband’s heart. See, Jim is the young boy from the beginning all grown up, and his genius move is to return to the place where the most traumatic event of his life occurred to jam with his buddies. Of course, none are really aware what happened.

At least until Jim’s love interest, Sally, portrayed by Lisa Elaina, spills the tea. While Jim is napping, she informs everyone that like every other cabin in the woods a murder occurred here, but she’s not trying to scare anyone. She’s simply aware Jim might get unhinged, so asks the band and their slam pieces to help keep him from going cuckoo bananas.

This expertly sets up the prospect Jim might be the slasher. Plus, it features several solid shots of my favorite performer, Bryan Kovacs. He plays John the drummer, and there’s barely a second onscreen he doesn’t have this chronic look of go fuck yourself. It’s safe to assume he’s merely conveying a heavy metal attitude, but every interaction with him is a contemptuous glare. One can’t help the feeling he’s the only performer aware of the schlock being slopped onto celluloid.

Well, the Bad Boys make it to the cabin, and after another cookie cutter metal number, not to mention alcohol fueled rock shenanigans, Hard Rock Nightmare remembers it’s supposed to be a slasher flick. At around 34 minutes and 27 seconds, we get our second bloodless kill of the whole movie. It’s almost worth the wait because Gary Hays as Tim the victim spouts a grade-A line.

He’s just failed with Tina, a mysterious groupie played by Annie Mikan. When she storms off, he shouts after her, “What’s wrong with a little head?” Cue his decapitation. It’s glorious evidence of all the wasted potential in Hard Rock Nightmare. Especially since what happens afterwards is somehow even better.

When the Bad Boys find Tim’s body, most of the band quickly assumes he got drunk and fell on a sawblade. Jim, however, is convinced his dead grandfather has risen from the grave, turned into a wolf, and is stalking them. Apparently, Peepaw is still pissed about the staking. Surprisingly, no one believes Jim.

What ensues is the usual slasher sequence of slaughters. I don’t want to spoil too much, so will refrain from details. The point is that Hard Rock Nightmare finally gets into gear. Meanwhile, the monster at the heart of it all is a twist the blind can see coming. And the road there is paved with bizarrely bloodless kills beside instances which make typical idiot plot perpetrators seem like Nobel laureates. Among my favorites are a pair of toasted dope smokers thinking the giant werewolf stomping towards them is a cuddly little poof in need of pets. I’ve never been that high and honestly, I’m a tad envious.

Fortunately, the means for making bullets are in the cabin. So, Jim and the few left alive manage to mount a defense. Oddly enough just as the survivors begin believing there’s a real werewolf, Jim calls bullshit on such nonsense. Still, the sinister fiends behind the brutal slayings are defeated. And the film ends by replaying its one moment of nudity.

Directed by Dominick Brascia, who played Joey in Friday the 13^th: A New Beginning, Hard Rock Nightmare grasps at the slimmest attempt to have pedigree. It’s not only cashing in on the slasher boom of the late 80s, but every fad soon to become cliché. It’s the cinematic equivalent of chugging a gallon of milk as it spoils.

Martin Hansen lends his voice to several songs on the soundtrack which provides some authenticity. However, many tunes are by a forgotten band called L.A. Thundercatz, who make it clear throughout why they aren’t famous. Yet, the music can still be enjoyed in that ironic good-bad fashion.

Hard Rock Nightmare can start a horror movie marathon without overshadowing the main attraction. Its frequent dream sequences are corny gems. The acting makes high school theater seem Tony award winning. Best of all, it’s tame enough for the timid. Those in search of mockable buffoons and comical kills should see Hard Rock Nightmare.